Letter from a friend - to two friends:

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Loves ...
>
>It seems it is an intense time for you both.
>
>Something came up to share (and I know you are both already looking at
>this. And I know I have already said it! But I still wanted to write it
>down, maybe more for me then for you?) :-)
>
>I have been thinking about your situation a lot in the last days. It
>occupied me and I think that is because I still need to look at many of
>the
>aspects myself. So as I had time , lying around here in bed with a cold,
>I looked at
>different things  - things like *being with what is* and how I depend on
>outside circumstances to feel good on the inside....etc.
>
>Over the last 10 years I have talked with many couples in crisis or with
>couples who have a continued level of struggle going on. It seems it
>always
>comes down to the same structure/dynamics/patterns in almost every single
>relationship. Its quite interesting to see that. And with all the new
>things
>you have already seen about yourselves and your relatinship, you will
>notice
>it in others more.
>
>The main pattern I see in relationships and in your relationship is, that
>you both keep looking and pointing at each other. Wishing, wanting and
>needing the other to be a certain way: kind, loving, heartfelt,
>communicative, not angry, not manipulative, respectful, not abusive, open,
>honest, inclusive, caring, supportive, accepting, fair, balanced......etc.
>I picked these particular adjectives because I heard them over the last
>week
>from you both, when talking about the other.
>
>Wanting/needing the partner to be a certain way seems like an addiction.
>And as everybody is living this way and it is generally accepted, nobody
>really questions it. It is second nature to us: our inner feelings depend
>on the outside circumstances - the partner in this case.
>
>Everyone does it. And those who are single, look and point at other
>outside
>*reasons* for their own feelings. Everyone does it, but to different
>degrees. I am still live like this in many aspects of my life.....
>
>I believe if both of you could see this and fully recognise this part
>inside
>of you, you could free yourselves from a lot of conflict and pain.
>
>Seeing that part and becoming aware of it means, you will depend less and
>less on each other for your wellbeing - and... you won't make the other
>responsible for your life and for how you are feeling.
>
>As  I see it, you are not  responsible for each others wellbeing, not for
>the emotional, sexual, financial, or physical wellbeing of the other.
>
>If you are both ready to release  the other from the BURDEN of this
>responsibility- maybe then something new can happen...?
>Its not as hard as it looks. ;-)
>
>One thing you could practice during the next 2 weeks, until you see each
>other again is this: every so often repeat this sentence and check what
>this taste and feels like:
>
>You, are not responsible anymore for my emotional, sexual,
>financial and physical well being.
>
>Then try the other version
>
>You, are totally responsible for my emotional, sexual,
>financial and physical well being.
>
>
>Sending you both lots of love ...
>
>
>
>